Letter From the Easter Bunny: I Quit!

Dear Easter Board Members,

I am concerned about the future of Easter Inc. Santa told me the other day that his North Pole ski resort went bankrupt. He lost a lot in the stock market which was supplementing his fixed income. Then he was asked to work less this year to save the budget. I know that I may be next to be out of a job, but this isn't really relevant now anyway.

First of all, I've heard rumors that I might be laid off this year. Quite frankly I don't mind. I didn't get a raise this year, and I'm tired of woking overtime for all the parents who are supposed to be buying chocolate eggs for their kids. The original deal was that parents would eventually take over the work load. This would allow me to focus on my favorite hobby, making more little Easter Bunnies, in the spring time. Unfortunately, I have been too busy every year to enjoy my favorite time of the year, breeding season.

O.K. I know this isn't really a time to be selfish. I know Easter isn't all about me, but do you know what it feels like to lay an egg wrapped in aluminum foil 300 million times? That's the minimum just for everyone in the U.S. to have one egg. Luckily my Peeps have been helping out, but I think it's time to find another spokesman to help bear the weight of Easter. The kids don't really think I'm that cool anymore. I don't blame them. I don't measure up to that guy in the red suit. What do you expect, I don't have hands or worker elves. Luckily the slow economy took a bite out of his image this last year.

I talked to a guy who offered to help me out this year, and he is willing to be the Easter spokesman for free. He told me his story, which I didn't really believe. He seemed like a nice guy, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. He was so ambitious he offered to help out in December too, so let Santa know. Anyway, he said he can start anytime, but I don't really see any way he's going to work for the part.

First of all, he doesn't lay chocolate eggs. He said he started his career by making wine out of water. And as impressive as this sounds, I just don't think it's a good idea for the kids to be drinking for Easter. I asked him what other skills and talents he could offer. He just answered "Life." And he went on to tell me that he can teach people how to live a life in a state of grace by telling them stories that are easy to understand. I told him that kids aren't going to go for that cause it's too much like school.

Anyway, I don't think people would really like this guy. He has got to be some kind of crazy man. You should hear what he said about his own friends killing him and then coming back to life. Maybe he is just a liar or just plain old crazy. I checked his references, which he said was his own dad. So I asked for non relative references and he said he is widely known as being a good man. I called him out on it right away and said "hey how can you be such a good man when you make up so many stories you lying psycho?"

Well, I know that this guy I met won't work as my replacement, but you are going to have to find someone real soon. I quit,

The Easter Bunny