Funny New Year's Resolutions

Every year people make resolutions to change something about themselves or start doing something differently. Unfortunately, those new year's resolutions end quickly and they are back to the same thing again. Setting new year's resolutions has become such a joke that it's probably more useful to write a list of funny new year's resolutions and laugh at them. You could, of course, set resolutions for yourself at any time of the year.

Here is a list of funny new year's resolutions that you can laugh at before you set yourself up for failure this year. Write your own funny new year's resolutions at the bottom of this page, so the list can be even longer. Good luck on your resisting falling into the new year's resolutions trap.

I will...

1. Start washing my hands after I use the restroom.
   
2. Stop drinking orange juice after I just brushed my teeth.
3. Stop licking frozen flag poles.
4. Only get divorced and remarried once this year.
5. Watch more movie remakes.
   
6. Go back to school to avoid paying my student loans.
7. Only eat white snow
8. Keep it to myself that I have trouble with authority when I'm being interviewed.
9. Spend less than $1825 for coffee at Starbucks this year.
10. Claim all my pets as dependents on my taxes
    

I will...

1. Watch more cute and cuddly kitten videos on YouTube
2. Check my work e-mail account at least once this year
3. Switch my username to “password” and my password to “username” to make each a lot harder for hackers to figure out
4. Watch less T.V…. in standard definition
5. Stop buying worthless junk on Ebay, because QVC has better specials
6. Start using Facebook for something other than Farmville and stupid quizzes
7. Help kids stay safe by not texting on my cell phone while eating McDonald’s and speeding through crosswalks in school zones with a frost covered windshield
8. Avoid fingertip soreness by learning to play “Rock Band,” instead of a real guitar
9. Start a blog about how I would write more often if I had something important to write. Only make one blog entry and leave it published for years
10. Talk with a robot voice all the time

I will...

1. Lose weight by hiding it someone you'll never find it.
   
2. Gain enough weight to get on The Biggest Loser.
3. Buy new clothes big enough to account for next year's holidays.
4. Start smoking to lose weight
5. Lose weight by inventing an anti-gravity machine
6. Lose weight by living on the moon
7. Find a more accurate scale
8. Build biceps by increasing reps of Ding Dong curls to 3 sets of 15
9. Stop buttering my doughnuts
   
10. Eat more fruit... snacks