Conflict Resolution to Improve Relationships: Compromise and Collaboration

Compromise and collaboration are conflict resolution skills that help communication and relationships. Both compromise and collaboration are goal oriented instead of personal agenda oriented. Using these two strategies can resolve conflict and improve relationships when parties involved are able to move forward and gain a history of successful interactions.

Agree to never "Agree to Disagree"

Have you ever said, “Let’s agree to disagree?” When we say this, what we really agree on is that we are tired of arguing and give up. We are giving up on our goal or the person we are dealing with. Do not resort to these lazy fixes and clichés and give up on tough issues with others. This kind of thinking is a defeatist attitude. We have missed an opportunity for growth in the relationship that compromise and collaboration provides.

Why Compromise or Collaborate?

Artists collaborate on projects producing some of their greatest works. Examples include Lennon and McCartney, Santana and everyone, peanut butter and jelly. The goal of collaboration is to add, not subtract. Creating something that is more than each involved has to offer alone. On the other hand, compromising usually ends with dividing something, giving up this for that, or taking turns.

Compromise is a great tool for solving short term conflict with others, but let's examine the result of compromise on the relationship. When two or more people compromise they are saying that they don't agree on their goals, values, or beliefs. Furthermore, they are willing to "give" a little to get what they want. You can do this with a car salesman. I'll take off 500 bucks if you buy now. You don't need a good working relationship to compromise, only an understanding of what the other person wants.

• Parties involved must give up a little to get what they want
• Compromising individuals do not need to share values, beliefs, or goals.
• Compromise can be used quickly.
• Compromising involves identifying a solution that meets in the "middle"

Collaboration, on the other hand, occurs between people with common goals, values, or beliefs. It is all about what the person can do to help in a larger effort. It is less selfish and more team oriented. Collaboration is all about a good working relationship with others. Webster’s online definition for collaboration is: “to work jointly with others or together especially in an intellectual endeavor.”

A good example of collaboration is what musical artists do.  One may be great at playing guitar hooks and solos, but a lousy songwriter and singer.  Then another artist may have the opposite qualities.  They may differ in their abilities and strengths and what they are used to producing, but if they work toward a common goal of producing an awesome song that people will love, then they are collaborating.

Four guidelines to use when collaborating:

• Usually takes longer than Compromising
  
• Everyone must be included: Collaboration must take into account all views from those involved in the decision. Even if you think grandma is wise, leave her out unless she is directly involved. Make a list of those involved and get them involved.
• Utilize differences: Take advantage of diversity and see differences as an asset. This comes down to attitude and perspective. If you must, look at working with others as a way to achieve personal growth.
• No one gives up, everyone gives input: Before making decisions, give each person a chance to give input. Sometimes creative ideas come from these processes, so think outside the box. Try to avoid voting or creating a compromise at this point, which tends to make some feel left out. Use the input from all sources to come up with possible solutions, and stay flexible. Don’t feel pressured to make a quick decision.
• Everyone is satisfied: Decide on a solution that everyone agrees with. Revise and modify solutions until everyone is 100% happy. This creates a victory in the relationship history of those involved and encourages future collaboration. Those involved will be more motivated to support the decision and act accordingly.

What if Collaboration fails?

Compromise if necessary. Under tough circumstances, time or physical constraints may not allow for collaboration. Moving on may be more important in these situations, so use compromise as a last resort.

Disclaimer: If you are dealing with a person who has power over you such as parents, judge, police officer, coach, teacher, boss, etc, then compromise may not even be possible.  The other person must be willing to let you share in collaborating or compromising.  Unfortunately these situations are common, and it is uncommon to find someone else willing to compromise or collaborate.  Use the above at your descretion under ideal circumstances of fairly balanced power, or in situations where you have more control and are willing to allow the other party to share that control.